The one with the disappearing fish..

Do I have any Friends fans out there?


My husband & I are kind of obsessed. We have the 10 seasons on DVD and could watch them over and over. Our 2 year old knows the words to the theme song. We could have a whole conversation just in quotes from the show.


We love it so much, in fact, that we named both our cat and our fish after characters in the show. And had our obsession began earlier in our relationship, I'm pretty sure our dog would have been in the name scheme, too.


Anyway, every morning I have my coffee and read the latest celebrity gossip over at my favorite gossip blog. It's like my morning paper. I am mildly obsessed with keeping up with the Kardashians and seeing the newest pics of Hilary Duff's baby. 


But this morning was different. I noticed something missing. It took me a minute and then I realized that the fish bowl that housed Chandler was gone. I searched high and low and couldn't find it. The thought that he was dead never crossed my mind. Surely if Keith can text me lyrics to a Kenny Chesney song (inside joke) while I am at work, our fish's death would warrant the same. 


As I wondered where the fish was, my mind shot back to a couple of weeks ago when I snapped this picture on my phone of a Missing Pet flyer we saw on a field trip with Aubrey's class:

All I could think of was "who the heck loses a tortoise?"

Yeah, well. I win. Who the heck loses a fish?! And not just a fish - his whole bowl.

Well, my suspicions were correct. I asked Aubrey where Chandler was.

"In the toilet!"

Fail. Fail on the fish dying. Fail on my husband not telling me. Fail on me seriously sitting here drawing up a Missing Fish report in MS Paint for shits & giggles. Fails all around.

Cue the theme song.

No one told me life was gonna be this way. 

The Boston Children's Museum

One of our favorite things to do is to go into Boston and head to the Children's Museum. There are a zillion things to do there, not to mention the train ride to get there is always an adventure!

On this random Saturday, we woke up early, ate breakfast, and headed to the train station. As we passed the ticket window, someone's little eyes spied a Dunkin Donuts, so of course a request was made for a strawberry donut with sprinkles.

It's about 45 minutes to Boston from our train station, so we always try to bring fun things to do to pass the time in between looking out the window. On this particular day, we decided on coloring, playing doctor on a certain platypus, and playing with the "guys".

We finally got there and made our way to the museum using the subways. Aubrey had a blast going up and down countless elevators (I'm looking forward to the day when I don't need to bring a stroller with us and we can use the escalators like everyone else!) and boarding and un-boarding the T with so many people. 

Most of the pictures are here, along with some video:

But here are some of my favorites!

March for Babies ~ Team KRJ

A couple of weeks after we lost KRJ, I was driving through my hometown after dropping Aubrey off at her toddler group and noticed a billboard for the March for Babies walk that was happening at the end of April. I was on my way to Keith's sister, Christina's house and as soon as I got there, we went online and checked it out and Team Keith Ryan was born right then and there. Christina and our friend Katy were the first people to join my team. I posted about it on Facebook and before I knew it, over 20 people were signed up. 


In just a month, we raised over $500 to donate to our walk, which just so happened to be the day after KRJ's ceremony. I figured that weekend was going to take it's toll on me emotionally, and I was absolutely right. But what I didn't know was how therapeutic this walk would turn out to be.

We got to Southern New Hampshire University and registered our team. Since I raised over $200, I got a free t-shirt. We got free food to munch on and hot coffee to drink which we definitely took advantage of. It was freezing!

Our t-shirts were made by a friend of my sister's. I loved how they came out! The text below 2012 read "What an imprint your footprints have left on our hearts". This quote is from a poem that I found online, which I added at the end of the slideshow at the end of the post. This poem is one of my favorite poems about premature loss.

I added Mom, Dad, and Big Sis to our shirts using iron on transfers I found at Michaels. I also   added "Auntie" to the backs of our sisters' shirts. We decided on 36 as the number in the back since 3/6 is the day our angel grew his wings.

Most of our team! A few couldn't make it and a few showed up after this picture was taken.. and of course, it doesn't count the people who donated to our team! Without them, we wouldn't have raised nearly as much as we did!

For only having a month to raise money, form a team, and get t-shirts made, I am so proud of what we accomplished. I am so excited to walk again next year in KRJ's honor, when we will have even more time to come up with ways to raise funds and to build our team some more. 

A ceremony for KRJ

On Saturday, April 28th, we held a private ceremony at our church for our family & close friends to come and remember Keith Ryan. I didn't really know what to expect of my emotions that day. I made it through with minimal tears thanks to the outpouring of love and support we got from everyone that came. 


We are very fortunate to have such a wonderful pastor who was more than willing to help us with everything we needed. He even had programs made up for everyone. I still need to get a few laminated for safe keeping. 

I spent weeks trying to find the perfect song to play. I wanted something uplifting. I figured the day would be hard enough without hearing a depressing song. I spent even longer finding the words to say in my speech. 

Since nobody ever got to meet KRJ, I knew I wanted to share things about my pregnancy so our family could feel connected to him, too. I talked about how he wasn't a fan of coffee or seafood. I talked about how the first time I felt him fluttering away in my belly was when I was laying down rubbing Aubrey's back because she wasn't feeling good, and how amazing it felt to feel that connection to both of my babies. I talked about the night we found out I was expecting and how Keith asked me if I was craving Wendy's as a tactic for me to go get him some chicken nuggets.

My best friend of 15 years read a beautiful poem. The pastor read some scriptures and lead us in prayer and Amazing Grace. 

After the ceremony, everybody went outside where the pastor handed out balloons and we did a balloon release. Aubrey surprised me and didn't even cry when she let her balloon go. Instead, she looked very serene. Almost like she was making sure they all got to her little brother safely. After the balloons were too far away to see anymore, we went inside for a pot luck dinner. 

I could not have asked for a more beautiful day to remember our little man and it was just another reminder of how blessed we are with wonderful, supportive friends and family.

Happy Easter!

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter! 

Balloons for Keith Ryan ♥

New England weather, where do I begin? You give us a freaking blizzard that ruined my brother's October wedding (and post-poned trick-or-treating). Then we have pretty much no snow from November-February and then you end with another snow storm on March 1st. Now, here it is March 20th and it is supposed to be 80s all week. No complaints. I hate snow and I love the 80s (the decade and the temp).


We celebrated the temperature surge by taking our first walk of the year on what everyone in our area knows as "the boulevard". Some of my best mommy friends from when I had Aubrey are putting together a beautiful photo book of their kids doing balloon releases and such in memory of Keith Ryan so of course I had to include Big Sister Aubrey in the book and we even managed to snag a passer-by to take a couple family shots. I am in love with how they came out and I can't wait to see the finished product of the book (that is being finalized and ordered tonight! Ahh!)

{I can't wait to get this picture framed. I love it.}

{My favorite Big Sis photo of the day}

<3

Keith Ryan Jr.

Keith Ryan Jr.

March 6th, 2012

11:15pm

2 ounces

5.5" long

I've been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to find the words to start this post. I guess there is no right way. I delivered our little boy. I held his tiny, lifeless body and for the first time, knew what it felt like to have my heart ripped out of me. 

I've been having issues with this pregnancy since mid-late January. They found a bleed behind my placenta during an ultrasound I had done when I started bleeding extremely heavy one day. They said we would keep an eye on it and as long as it didn't get too big, everything would be fine. I had ultrasound after ultrasound. The bleeding would get light and then start up again. Ultrasound photos showed the bleed getting smaller. I took all the recommended bed rest. I thought everything was going to be okay.

I went to the hospital on March 6th (Tuesday) around 6:30 pm because I was having a lot of pain. We saw our baby alive on the ultrasound screen at 10:30pm. 45 minutes later, I delivered our baby boy. It was the absolute worst moment of my entire life.

We decided to have Keith Ryan cremated. I couldn't imagine him being anywhere else than where he belongs - at home with his family. I am still waiting to hear back from the funeral home as to when we can pick him up. I have a little memorial set up for him already. I got a beautiful tattoo of his tiny footprints a couple of days ago

I've had the wings for 6 years. His footprints fit between them perfectly. This little man was always destined to be my guardian angel. 

I'm having an awful time coping. I know the pain will lessen one day, I just wish it would hurry the hell up.

KRJ,

There are no words that could ever say how blessed I am that you chose me to be your mama. Even though I only got to hold you for a short period of time, those moments changed my life forever. I'll never forget how peaceful you looked, how tiny and perfect your little hands were, and how badly I just wanted to take your place. I love you so much.

<3