March 6th, 2012
I've been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to find the words to start this post. I guess there is no right way. I delivered our little boy. I held his tiny, lifeless body and for the first time, knew what it felt like to have my heart ripped out of me.
I've been having issues with this pregnancy since mid-late January. They found a bleed behind my placenta during an ultrasound I had done when I started bleeding extremely heavy one day. They said we would keep an eye on it and as long as it didn't get too big, everything would be fine. I had ultrasound after ultrasound. The bleeding would get light and then start up again. Ultrasound photos showed the bleed getting smaller. I took all the recommended bed rest. I thought everything was going to be okay.
I went to the hospital on March 6th (Tuesday) around 6:30 pm because I was having a lot of pain. We saw our baby alive on the ultrasound screen at 10:30pm. 45 minutes later, I delivered our baby boy. It was the absolute worst moment of my entire life.
We decided to have Keith Ryan cremated. I couldn't imagine him being anywhere else than where he belongs - at home with his family. I am still waiting to hear back from the funeral home as to when we can pick him up. I have a little memorial set up for him already. I got a beautiful tattoo of his tiny footprints a couple of days ago
I've had the wings for 6 years. His footprints fit between them perfectly. This little man was always destined to be my guardian angel.
I'm having an awful time coping. I know the pain will lessen one day, I just wish it would hurry the hell up.
There are no words that could ever say how blessed I am that you chose me to be your mama. Even though I only got to hold you for a short period of time, those moments changed my life forever. I'll never forget how peaceful you looked, how tiny and perfect your little hands were, and how badly I just wanted to take your place. I love you so much.