Balloons for Keith Ryan ♥

New England weather, where do I begin? You give us a freaking blizzard that ruined my brother's October wedding (and post-poned trick-or-treating). Then we have pretty much no snow from November-February and then you end with another snow storm on March 1st. Now, here it is March 20th and it is supposed to be 80s all week. No complaints. I hate snow and I love the 80s (the decade and the temp).


We celebrated the temperature surge by taking our first walk of the year on what everyone in our area knows as "the boulevard". Some of my best mommy friends from when I had Aubrey are putting together a beautiful photo book of their kids doing balloon releases and such in memory of Keith Ryan so of course I had to include Big Sister Aubrey in the book and we even managed to snag a passer-by to take a couple family shots. I am in love with how they came out and I can't wait to see the finished product of the book (that is being finalized and ordered tonight! Ahh!)

{I can't wait to get this picture framed. I love it.}

{My favorite Big Sis photo of the day}

<3

Keith Ryan Jr.

Keith Ryan Jr.

March 6th, 2012

11:15pm

2 ounces

5.5" long

I've been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to find the words to start this post. I guess there is no right way. I delivered our little boy. I held his tiny, lifeless body and for the first time, knew what it felt like to have my heart ripped out of me. 

I've been having issues with this pregnancy since mid-late January. They found a bleed behind my placenta during an ultrasound I had done when I started bleeding extremely heavy one day. They said we would keep an eye on it and as long as it didn't get too big, everything would be fine. I had ultrasound after ultrasound. The bleeding would get light and then start up again. Ultrasound photos showed the bleed getting smaller. I took all the recommended bed rest. I thought everything was going to be okay.

I went to the hospital on March 6th (Tuesday) around 6:30 pm because I was having a lot of pain. We saw our baby alive on the ultrasound screen at 10:30pm. 45 minutes later, I delivered our baby boy. It was the absolute worst moment of my entire life.

We decided to have Keith Ryan cremated. I couldn't imagine him being anywhere else than where he belongs - at home with his family. I am still waiting to hear back from the funeral home as to when we can pick him up. I have a little memorial set up for him already. I got a beautiful tattoo of his tiny footprints a couple of days ago

I've had the wings for 6 years. His footprints fit between them perfectly. This little man was always destined to be my guardian angel. 

I'm having an awful time coping. I know the pain will lessen one day, I just wish it would hurry the hell up.

KRJ,

There are no words that could ever say how blessed I am that you chose me to be your mama. Even though I only got to hold you for a short period of time, those moments changed my life forever. I'll never forget how peaceful you looked, how tiny and perfect your little hands were, and how badly I just wanted to take your place. I love you so much.

<3

14 weeks!

How far along? 14 weeks
Maternity clothes? No more form-fitting shirts. Some maternity.
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Not bad.
Best moment this week: I start my training for the new job tomorrow :)
Miss Anything?: Prescription strength medicine for my migraines! Dear regular strength Tylenol, you suck!
Movement: Little bits here and there <3
Food cravings: Tuna. Tuna tuna tuna.
Anything making you queasy or sick: No
Gender Prediction: Girl
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: Just my belly getting harder.
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy
Looking forward to: New job! And 4 more weeks til we find out what we're having.