Thursday, August 23, 2012

I've got a secret..

Originally written on June 17th, 2012.

3 months. That's all it took.

It took 3 months of obsessing over every little symptom. Peeing on countless sticks. Watching other friends get their good news. Praying to God every single night. 

Part of me feels so relieved it only took 3 months. 
But the other part? Oh lord. It felt like an eternity.

This gem was from early this morning. I glanced over at it and was ready to toss it when... wait a second... is that? no... could it be? ... I squinted. I brought it closer. I pulled it away. I stood on my freaking toilet to try to get a better look with some natural light coming in from the window. 

I finally broke down and woke up Keith. "Hey, Happy Fathers Day... do you see a line?!" He looked and rolled back over. "Not getting our hopes up until it's darker. That doesn't count."

Oh, BUT IT DOES! It has to! A line is a line!

I went to work and was there for what seemed like the longest 6 hours of my life. I went to Target after I left and decided I would completely take the guesswork out of everything and get First Response Digitals.

The verdict?

No denying that! I immediately felt SO much better. Just something about seeing the word makes all the doubt go away.

Well, maybe not all the doubt.

I have a feeling this whole pregnancy is going to consist of me holding my breath and waiting for something to go wrong. I'm absolutely terrified of losing another baby. I just can't go through it again. I will be calling my doctor first thing in the morning to get an appointment. I think they will be monitoring me closely this time around to keep an eye on the Bean. 

I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight!

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