Wednesday, March 6, 2013

A Year Ago..

One year ago..

I felt empty.
I couldn't pull myself out of bed.
Drinking a bottle of wine by myself in one night was the norm.
I ached for his tiny little perfect hands to be able to wrap around my pinky.
I became an angel mama.

One year ago today, we said hello and goodbye to our baby boy.

This year has been, without a doubt, the biggest roller coaster ride Keith & I have ever been on. I have had my fair share of heart ache over the years, but on March 6th, 2012, my heart broke into a million pieces.

A lot of people don't understand the pain. A lot of people wonder how one could be so attached to something that wasn't even a "real baby" yet. But if those people could have seen what we saw that night, they would know that he was a real baby. Just because he never took his first breath, just because he wasn't fully grown.. doesn't mean he wasn't real. He had 10 little fingers and 10 little toes, he had eyes, he had a heart beat that we had heard just 10 minutes before we lost him.

Keith was amazing through the whole process. He let me do what I needed to do to start the healing process and held my hand 100% of the time. He put up with my crazy mood swings, my constant tears, and gave me a hug whenever I needed one. 

Although the pain of not knowing what life would be like with a son will always be there, I knew God had a plan for us. It just so happens that his plan for us included lots of pink :)

Addie could not have come at a better time. At a day shy of 3 weeks old, she and Aubrey are just what I need to get through this hurdle and I am so thankful for both of them. 

I woke up this morning to crappy weather, and it matched what I felt inside perfectly. But I put on a happy face and smiled big while staring into Addie's big blue eyes as I nursed her at 5am. I kept that happy face on and took Aubrey out for a PJ Dunks run for donuts and coffee (and apple juice!) when she woke up. We even decided to make the day extra special for her and took her out for ice cream to Coldstone to use up a gift card that Santa left in my stocking. She has seen her mama cry too many times over the past year over something she couldn't even comprehend. It felt good to make sure she was happy today.

On April 21st, we will be walking in the March for Babies fundraiser. This is our second year walking in memory of KRJ. If you would like to donate, you can do so {here}.

1 comment:

  1. *hugs* I am so sorry for your loss. Nobody should have to go through that. Grieve all you need.