Happy Easter!

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter! 

Balloons for Keith Ryan ♥

New England weather, where do I begin? You give us a freaking blizzard that ruined my brother's October wedding (and post-poned trick-or-treating). Then we have pretty much no snow from November-February and then you end with another snow storm on March 1st. Now, here it is March 20th and it is supposed to be 80s all week. No complaints. I hate snow and I love the 80s (the decade and the temp).


We celebrated the temperature surge by taking our first walk of the year on what everyone in our area knows as "the boulevard". Some of my best mommy friends from when I had Aubrey are putting together a beautiful photo book of their kids doing balloon releases and such in memory of Keith Ryan so of course I had to include Big Sister Aubrey in the book and we even managed to snag a passer-by to take a couple family shots. I am in love with how they came out and I can't wait to see the finished product of the book (that is being finalized and ordered tonight! Ahh!)

{I can't wait to get this picture framed. I love it.}

{My favorite Big Sis photo of the day}

<3

Keith Ryan Jr.

Keith Ryan Jr.

March 6th, 2012

11:15pm

2 ounces

5.5" long

I've been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to find the words to start this post. I guess there is no right way. I delivered our little boy. I held his tiny, lifeless body and for the first time, knew what it felt like to have my heart ripped out of me. 

I've been having issues with this pregnancy since mid-late January. They found a bleed behind my placenta during an ultrasound I had done when I started bleeding extremely heavy one day. They said we would keep an eye on it and as long as it didn't get too big, everything would be fine. I had ultrasound after ultrasound. The bleeding would get light and then start up again. Ultrasound photos showed the bleed getting smaller. I took all the recommended bed rest. I thought everything was going to be okay.

I went to the hospital on March 6th (Tuesday) around 6:30 pm because I was having a lot of pain. We saw our baby alive on the ultrasound screen at 10:30pm. 45 minutes later, I delivered our baby boy. It was the absolute worst moment of my entire life.

We decided to have Keith Ryan cremated. I couldn't imagine him being anywhere else than where he belongs - at home with his family. I am still waiting to hear back from the funeral home as to when we can pick him up. I have a little memorial set up for him already. I got a beautiful tattoo of his tiny footprints a couple of days ago

I've had the wings for 6 years. His footprints fit between them perfectly. This little man was always destined to be my guardian angel. 

I'm having an awful time coping. I know the pain will lessen one day, I just wish it would hurry the hell up.

KRJ,

There are no words that could ever say how blessed I am that you chose me to be your mama. Even though I only got to hold you for a short period of time, those moments changed my life forever. I'll never forget how peaceful you looked, how tiny and perfect your little hands were, and how badly I just wanted to take your place. I love you so much.

<3

14 weeks!

How far along? 14 weeks
Maternity clothes? No more form-fitting shirts. Some maternity.
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Not bad.
Best moment this week: I start my training for the new job tomorrow :)
Miss Anything?: Prescription strength medicine for my migraines! Dear regular strength Tylenol, you suck!
Movement: Little bits here and there <3
Food cravings: Tuna. Tuna tuna tuna.
Anything making you queasy or sick: No
Gender Prediction: Girl
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: Just my belly getting harder.
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy
Looking forward to: New job! And 4 more weeks til we find out what we're having.

13 weeks!

How far along? 13 weeks
Maternity clothes? Mostly pre-pregnancy clothes.
Stretch marks? Nope!
Sleep: Doing better. I love my pregnancy pillow! Though now, I can feel my uterus if I lay on my belly so I've been trying to stay on my side
Best moment this week: My last day at work. So excited for my new job!
Miss Anything? Wine. And belly sleeping.
Movement: Slight little movements. Nothing too major yet.
Food cravings: Sweets. Ice cream, chocolate..
Anything making you queasy or sick: Morning sickness
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: Still a little morning sickness
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: A bigger bump!

12 weeks!

One more week til I am out of the first trimester! I thought it would be fun to start doing this questionaire each week. Pretty soon I will start posting belly pictures but as of right now, there's not much to see!

How far along? 12 weeks

Maternity clothes? I can still fit into a couple pairs of regular jeans but I did buy a couple pairs when they were BOGO at Motherhood.

Stretch marks? Unless you want to count the ones from Aubrey, nope!

Sleep: Not too great. I usually wake up between 3-4 having to pee and I can't get back to sleep.

Best moment this week: Hearing Baby's heartbeat on a home doppler my wonderful niece let me borrow! Baby's heartbeat was 158. I also got offered a job at a new restaurant opening up in a couple weeks!

Miss Anything? Wine.

Movement: Nothing yet! I'm hoping in the next few weeks!

Food cravings: Steak. Like you wouldn't believe. I had steak tips twice last week and I am making steak again tonight. I also craved pickles during my 3am wakeup yesterday morning.

Anything making you queasy or sick: The smell of certain dishes at the restaurant I'm at now.

Gender Prediction: Girl

Labor Signs: No

Symptoms: Some morning sickness, though I feel like it's tapering off now (knock on wood).  My boobs also aren't as sore as they have been.

Belly Button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy & excited, though I know I have my moods!

Looking forward to: A bigger bump and finding out the gender!

An Update

Okay, for real. I need to update this thing.

I've been MIA but I promise it has been with good reason. We had a few scares back in January and thought we were losing Baby S..  I won't go into much detail but everything is perfect now. We did get quite a few ultrasounds that I'm super excited to share!

This ultrasound was performed on my birthday! Baby was 7w1d so there wasn't too much to see..

And this was one week later at 8w1d. This was done a week later when we thought we were miscarrying. I was so happy and relieved when we saw and heard the heartbeat, which was in the 180's! I don't think Aubrey's ever got that high!

Speaking of Aubrey, she is getting really excited to be a big sister!

We keep asking her if she wants a brother or a sister, and whatever we say last is what she says she wants. "Aubrey, do you want a brother or sister?" "Sister!"

"Aubrey, do you want a sister or a brother?" "Brother!"

So of course we always play it in our favor. I say sister last and Keith says brother. But either way, we are going to be ecstatic when we find out the sex!

I really want to start documenting my belly growth and would love to use the chalkboard idea used by Jessica @ Little Baby Garvin. I just need to get my butt in gear and either buy or make a chalkboard. I'll probably start doing that once I'm in the second trimester, which will be in a few weeks! 

As for me, I'm having a hard time with morning sickness. I went back to work a few days ago after 3 weeks of bedrest and I'm trying to hold it together because I really don't want to miss any more but there are a certain few dishes that I can't stomach the smell of! Looking forward to this phase being over!